Dating?

by sylvia

(note – I actually wrote this post a while back, but as Bianca is sick and I am getting caught up at work, hope y’all don’t mind the staleness of it)

On my way into work today, for some odd reason I started thinking about dating.  No, no, no – I am not thinking about getting back out into dating world (sorry, y’all!), but thinking about the insanity of dating, and how bad I was at it.

For those of you who have been reading us for a while, you probably have learned that I have not always shown or been aware of my true awesomeness.  A lot of that had to do with my perception (and my world’s perception) of me being “less-than” because my girth made me “more-than”, if that makes any sense (which it may not, I have not had my requisite 400 cups of coffee yet today).

I let boys treat me really badly.  I remember meeting a guy at a bar, and hanging out with him the next night, and him saying to me, with a straight face : “Don’t bother telling me anything about yourself, because I really don’t want to know anything about you.”  AND I CONTINUED TO HANG OUT WITH HIM.  I didn’t just up and leave like I should have.  It pains me to think that my self-esteem was that low that I thought I deserved to be treated that way.

Unfortunately, I have countless other examples that I think will hurt too much to get into, but thinking about that this morning made me realize how easily we can fall into the rotten cylce of thinking you deserve to be treated a certain way just because of the way you look.

When did it start?  Who knows, it may have been in place way before I became a fat kid, and could have been  my destiny even I didn’t “become” fat.  Maybe it was because I had two older sisters, and it seemed that each of us was always competing for dad’s attention, which none of ever really got (he always wanted a boy).

But what makes someone think that it is ok to be treated so badly?  I guess I thought that because I was fat, I had to take what I could get.  Who was going to love me, this obese fatty?  Why didn’t I have any confidence in my personality or other non-physical characteristics?  I mean, I seriously thought I didn’t deserve anything good or wonderful.  This may have been reasonable if I stealing, murdering, plundering, etc.  But I wasn’t.  I’m actually pretty nerdy when it comes to doing “bad” things.  Could be all that guilt instilled within from my Catholic upbringing.

Was I really that shallow that I expected everyone to view me in the same way I viewed them?  It would seem that way.  It didn’t help that I had surrounded myself with other shallow bitches (check out posts on them here, here & here), but I wasn’t just a product of my environment.  I guess even though I knew deep down I had more to offer than just my fat ugly self, I didn’t have the confidence to let that shine.

Then I broke up with said friends, realizing that I was better off having no friends than friends that sucked the life out of me (looking back, I even let my friends treat me badly).  And that’s when I fell in like with myself.  Sure, it was still an unrequited like, and I’m still working toward the unconditional love of ourselves that we all deserve, but I’m close.  This blog and our belly project has really helped.

Which brings me back to my original point – dating sucks, I am very glad and grateful I met the man of my dreams and married him.  I wouldn’t have found him and kept him if it weren’t for all the other bullshit.  And if any of you single ladies out there need some advice on dating, let us know.  Maybe we can help!