How I Feel About My Body - Right Now

by sylvia

So in light of all the goings-on this weekend (if you care to revisit it, click here), Bianca and I finished up our Belly Project (aka ‘Look at Our Puerile, Self-Serving, Content-Free Bellies!  LOOK AT THEM!!!!). 

Why did we do it?  Well, several reasons.  Our original purpose was to force ourselves to accept our bodies, one large portion at a time.  We figured that if we took pictures of said body parts, looked at those pictures, uploaded those pictures, and posted those pictures with little to no editing (cropping and pubes were the exceptions) online, we could gain that extra level of acceptance.  Because it’s one thing to look at yourself in the mirror with one eye closed and say “I’m beautiful” and then to see yourself on camera and want to cry.  That’s where I was.  I thought my brain was tricking me.  But more on that a little later.  We were also hoping others would send us their  belly pictures.  We’re still waiting on that one….

So we decided we would focus on our bellies (duh – you already knew that).  Now, I can’t speak for Bianca, but my belly has always been this way, this dented mass that I never really thought much of, except to hide it,  and it has never seen the sunlight.  I started paying attention to it about 5 years ago when I had my uterus rebuilt and an ovary removed (I’ve got the smiley scar now) and again about a year or two ago when I got the “pityriasis rosea” and had a few people looking at it.

Was there something wrong with it?  I mean, with the way my belly looked?  It didn’t look like my mother’s, or anyone else I knew (where I had seen their bellies).  So when Bianca suggested we start out on our bellies, I couldn’t agree more.  It wasn’t like I had a bad relationship with my belly, I just didn’t have any relationship with it.  I was looking at without ever looking at it, if that makes any sense.

So the pictures began.  And honestly, at first, I was mostly concerned with my body, my belly, looking “good”.  My definition of “good” granted was based on the heavily media-influenced idea that “skinny=good, fat=bad” still lingering in my brain. 

Then something happened.  I’m not sure if it was getting the Mr. Sylvia involved or putting toys on my belly, but my attitude changed.  My view shifted.  I actually was looking with both eyes open in the mirror.  At my belly.  And we started to get to know one another.  I no longer felt that my belly was a stranger on my body.  The more we hung out (both figuratively and literally), the more we liked each other.  We became fast friends.

And I think my belly would appreciate this, but I don’t think I’m in love with my belly yet.  I’m getting there, but not ready to say th “L” word, you know?  I don’t want to move too fast (cuz I’m fat, and will run out of breath too easily), but I think our project definitely opened my eyes.  Both of them.